@snacks@netzsphaere.xyz r u ok?

@snacks @vivi many such cases

you’re not alone with this even among the seemingly well-adjusted turbonormies. it’s just very hard to find the right time and place for it. and because of that—because it’s just not in our culture—a lot of people, especially men, can’t open up unless they get drunk. and then there’s often a lot they never had the time to process.

i’ve spent most of my life being scared, and i’ve been bullied a lot etc., but i’ve never regretted opening up to others. no one has ever ridiculed or judged me for it. on the contrary, people would often reciprocate.

everyone wants to feel safe. showing vulnerability signals that you’re offering some of that safety; that they don’t need to keep their guard up around you.

@vivi @snacks also i’m ngl i struggle with the relationship maintenance as well because i’m so used to escaping and dissociating

it’s like when someone isn’t actively drawing my attention, they just disappear from my mind until i return to reality. it’s pretty bad especially with long-distance relationships. i get extremely passive there and trying to do anything with me is like pulling teeth

@snacks @vivi new relationship energy is a pretty well-known concept

@snacks@netzsphaere.xyz that sounds rough im sorry man i know how you feel i super get the future relationship i feel very pessimistic abt stuff like that too ​​ why is it hard for you to form close relationships? hard to find anyone who you think is worth it? or scared of opening up? or smth else

@snacks@netzsphaere.xyz is that the normie way? or the normie guy way? i never got that impression for this being how to date period, I did however get the impression that that was the meta from some dating apps

do you know if all of them are like that? it seems to be kind of expected that youre looking for a hook-up on tinder, but i think other ones dont have the same rep? like bumble or hinge (or muzz, mashalllah 🤲)

@snacks@netzsphaere.xyz no one seems happy abt using any of them but if you wanna find a partner you gotta keep the inflow of new ppl coming and if you feel like current rl/online socializing doesn't provide it they r prolly ur best bet

@lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz but fedi is so slow and unoptimized... its a game of chance whether you even meet a new person and you have no good way of knowing if they are single or not beforehand. also snacks is a guy how many straight girls are actually on here, i feel like its not that much

@lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz you know what actually i could forgive all of that but the lack of proximity is probably the most unoptimized thing abt it

@Dionysus@outerheaven.club @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz hold up actually you might be cooking yea, it seems kinda popular 4 this usecase and it at least will be more likely at suggesting you ppl close to you. it seems scary tho cold messaging some random girl you think is cute on there tho at least with dating apps everyone is there under the pretext so its less weirdchamp

@lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club ig you would grind it by grinding public interaction first like you would fedi, or rl -> ig (-> rl again haha) idk fuck instagram honestly i only ever use it to promote my gigs

@lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club but thats just cuz its so local and idc abt german ppl so its a me issue honestly it might be worth a shot 4 snaccs

@lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club wait hold up i overlooked "ask someone out". i am not talking abt asking someone out, i am talking abt like, having no rapport with the person being like "hey you seem cute wanna chat :)"

@vivi @lucy @snacks @Dionysus i can see it working; people ask for my non-existent insta profile almost every time i get hit on

(it’s awkward looking up from my phone and telling them in all seriousness i don’t use any mainstream social media)

@mia @vivi @lucy @snacks @Dionysus had to explain fedi to like three of my neighbors since i moved here and its been hilarious every time

@vriska @mia @vivi @lucy @snacks @Dionysus “so it’s kinda like twitter but not really. also it’s decentralized so anyone can run their own mastodon server!”

@mia@movsw.0x0.st @snacks @vivi @lucy @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @Dionysus thankfully one of my neighbors is a tumblr girl so she kinda got it

@sun @vivi @lucy @snacks @Dionysus i basically just go with “i’m not telling you” because honestly why would i even attempt to explain when i’m about to reject the approach anyway

@vivi @lucy @snacks @sun @Dionysus (last time was some drunk bald dude who liked to say kurwa a lot and i don’t think fedi needs more of those)

@mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @vivi@misskey.bubbletea.dev @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club people ask for insta around here just as a form of contact that is less personal/unblockable than phone number, which i get tbh it's just unfortunate that the most common better-than-pstn text messaging system around here has become instagram

@nik @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club you should have seen the lows we were both so fucking mentally diseased those were different times thank god non of you knew old vivi

@vivi @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club she sounds fun

@snacks @mia @vivi @lucy @vriska @Dionysus i generally stopped explaining my weird-ass choices to normies unless they ask specific questions

i just wish we had a good xmpp client

@mischievoustomato@tsundere.love @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st the only way to solve this is probably have someone who doesnt have this problem shadow u while ur messaging some random girl

@mischievoustomato@tsundere.love @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st like have someone look over ur shoulder while ur doing smth

@mischievoustomato@tsundere.love @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st i was not offering i appreciate you as a mutual but trying to help you would probably be like pulling teeth youre way too stubborn for that shit

@mischievoustomato@tsundere.love @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st by entertain do you mean like consider getting with a woman? or do you literally mean providing her entertainment?

@mischievoustomato@tsundere.love @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st ok that makes more sense, entertaining almost kinda made it sound like you were bending over backwards and into a pretzel shape for these hoes haha

@mischievoustomato@tsundere.love @arcana@fedi.layer02.net @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st you dont know what

@nik @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club no she really wasnt i misstyped you shouldnt have seen past vivi she was a bpdemon and a schizoid lowkey non of you would have liked her

@nik @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club but its ok you live and you grow

@vivi @lucy @snacks @nik @Dionysus idk how much of your advice was based on the lessons you’ve learned since then but it has probably saved me from experiencing some pretty horrible shit first-hand and i’m extremely grateful i didn’t have to face those trials in my fucking 30s

@Dionysus@outerheaven.club @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @nik@misskey.bubbletea.dev @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st literally you are either in danger of your mental getting shattered or like the joker

@Dionysus@outerheaven.club @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @nik@misskey.bubbletea.dev @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st ok well i was being a demon though i was not being a good egg and i was being around equally mentally ill ppl and we just made each other worse so idk i dont think u should write past me any blank cheques

@mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @vivi@misskey.bubbletea.dev @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club what are the lessons

@nik @mia @lucy @snacks @Dionysus the 7 recommendations found in my NYT best seller that doctors unanimously agree upon that i always preach are:

1. be reciprocatory in your behavior in general and like ESPECIALLY don’t orbit someone who isn’t visibly interested in dating you
2. you can’t help someone who doesn’t even want to help themselves
3. do not feel like youre expected to help someone if it means destroying yourself (unless maybe if like a child youre responsible for is involved or some shit)
4. tearing yourself apart doing cpr on a relationship that used to be nice and is fucked now, is often not worth it
5. always try to be morally consistent, inconvenience yourself for what you believe in to show that you do
6. the first step of solving any problem is figuring it out/acknowledging it exists
7. when you are writing chord progressions use as many extensions as possible. the more extensions you use the more better your chord progression is

@nik @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club you WILL become rich if you follow these

@nik @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club any day now.....

@vivi @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club i think i learned most of these lessons from my first disaster relationship

@vivi @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club sounds like you're rolling in girls so

@nik @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club thats crazy you speedran that shit

@nik @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club some of these were painful too sorry you macrodosed self improvement like that

@vivi @lucy @snacks @nik @Dionysus pretty much ticked all of those off by now too

sigh

@vivi @mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club maybe it's just rosy memory effect but the most insane relationship i had was also so fast moving through all the disasters that i didn't get to linger on how bad i felt for too long

some of the remaining lessons i learned very slowly though ​​ when you realize after two consecutive nearly year long relationships where the other person suddenly realizes their cold feet but doesn't communicate effectively what's happening and you have to just understand it's a lost cause and there's nothing you could have done differently or better it was just never going to work out and doomed from the start what was i thinking

@mia@shrimptest.0x0.st @vivi@misskey.bubbletea.dev @lucy@netzsphaere.xyz @snacks@netzsphaere.xyz @Dionysus@outerheaven.club i figured all those out by 23 ​​

@snacks @vivi bweeh sends u tight huggies

@snacks @vivi wha

@snacks @vivi why tf did i get it on my tl holy shit